This entire summer I’ve been waffling back and forth on how I feel about leaving. At the beginning of the summer I was adamantly against it, which may sound funny, but I needed to go through that phase. It was an awkward feeling for other people to be more excited than I was, but they didn’t necessarily know that, so it was ok. All I could focus on was all the people, life, and excitement I was going to leave; and I didn’t have a concept of how leaving everything was going to be a good thing.
Somehow I got beyond this mentality – God’s doing probably, and towards the end of July the immensity of this opportunity was getting to me. I wanted to go; and I was struck with the realization that I knew it was going to go fast once it started. This really is an irreplaceable experience. Not many people get to take 3.5 months off of their normal day-to-day routine life, explore at least 3 other countries, travel with 25 other students their age, all while reading about the country’s culture, history, literature, and writing about their experiences. I get to do it all! Jackpot.
Despite this realization, however, today I’m not feeling so great about going. Last night I was flooded with doubts and negative thoughts about leaving. All the lists I have are stressing me out; I feel like I’d rather be apart of what I know, and not what I don’t; it bothers me that I can’t let go easier; I don’t want my mom to be so sad; I wish God would just tell me that it’s all going to be alright (wait, He does say that); and the like.
Maybe some positive psychology will help: I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this. But more importantly, God knows what He’s doing. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, God really does have a sense of humor (or at least a great sense of timing):
This morning right before I started writing I checked my email and found a facebook message notification from an African Pastor friend of mine, which read: “Hello Melissa, What is the Lord saying? Please, you may not necessarily have to answer. In this world of business, I use this question to remind myself and friends to take some time and download from the heart of the Father.”
Wow. Talk about God speaking to you. I guess I got my answer. I need to take some time to download from the heart of the Father, and not listen to the lies in my head. I needed that.
God, what are YOU saying to me?
great post melissa...i'm glad that you're already being so honest!!
ReplyDeletei totally had that stress, too, before i left on my trip. it happens, yo. :) and know that i may just happen when you're over there, too. (it happened to me, anyway, and a bunch of other people i know.) it's hard to feel the encouragement when you're going through these times of doubt, but try to understand that you're learning and growing in each one of them. i think the apostle paul said something like "when i am weak, then i am strong." think yourself through that in those times of need, and find out what it means to you. :)
i'm so excited for your trip!
(also, since i know you'll be in england, when you're in london hit up some indian or chinese food. the indian food is to die for and london has its own chinatown, so GO FOR IT!!)
shreds out,
brian