Processing the Blur

The middle of this week has been a blur.

My mom and cousin flew out to California and arrived late Tuesday night. They came for the Kingdom Culture Conference at Bethel Church that took place this Wednesday through Friday. Our worship school actually halted for the conference, or rather grafted the conference into our schedule. We were at a different location, but received similar messages from Bill Johnson, Kris Vallotton, Beni Johnson, Danny Silk, and Banning Liebscher. We had three meetings a day, so these past couple of days have been quite the download. My spirit as received a lot and my mind is still processing.

Process is a good word to describe the way my heart feels right now. At this point I simply feel very much in the middle of a process. I've received a lot; I've enjoyed God a lot; I've learned a lot; I've soaked a lot. Tonight's message was given by Banning and it stirred up a lot of questions I have for God about my life and where it's going. I've been really comfortable here so far, which has been a nice surprise, but I was reminded tonight of the context in which I came to BSW. A part of my heart is searching for some directional answers even though I'm trying to balance my sense of expectancy with an understanding that God will use this time to equip me in whatever way He knows that I need - whether that includes answers or not.

Tonight Banning talked about the steps for how to carry a prophetic word (and not just stop at the receiving part). Among other things it stirred up in my heart a desire to better understand where God is bringing me. I was telling one of my roommates that I feel like there is this buffet in front of me, displaying the array of things God has put into my life - all of which I'm happy with - and yet this setup has put me in a state of confusion or uneasiness because I don't know what "word" (in terms of life prophecies) to go after. For one, I'm not confident in what all of these words are - though I tend to be one who desires extreme clarity, so I could have an accurate understanding that I'm simply not satisfied with; and secondly, I don't know which of these words to be obedient to in this season. I feel as though if I chose one, then I'm neglecting to steward the others; and furthermore, with all of these "choices" in front of me I'm struggling with my desire for excellence in all that I do combined with the feeling that I won't get very far doing several things at once as opposed to doing one thing very well. I'm not sure any of that makes sense, but those are some of my hot off the press thoughts.

Overall, today has really been a remarkable day though. I really felt imparted to during each session, and I trust that my spirit received the truth God wanted me to hear. At the same time I'm thankful that I'm still here for two more weeks because God isn't done yet; and based on experience He won't be done in two weeks either. Haha.

Tomorrow should be a great day. 1) It's Saturday. 2) The boys are coming over for breakfast and we're making blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. 3) I'm planning to go treasure hunting in the afternoon with a group from Bethel Church. 4) I get to see my mom - she's coming treasure hunting too. 5) We're having a dinner cookout party for my roommate Amanda's birthday in the evening. So, despite the less than desirable amount of sleep I'll be getting, I have high expectations for a great day tomorrow!